


To be loved.

by Arayne



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Slow Burn, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 10:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12364158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arayne/pseuds/Arayne
Summary: Growing up with a hero has consequences: There’s the careless smile when you show up at his doorstep, the helping hand when you fall down; the first time when someone is genuinely kind to you.When Keith is introduced to Allura the realisation that Shiro would never be his finally solidifies in a hard lump in his throat.And then there’s Lance: Cheerful and cocky, the guy whose selfies always feature the same background because ‘the light from his apartment always hit the right angles’. Keith hadn’t meant to kiss him, certainly hadn’t meant to end up at said apartment at 2am in the morning, and the arrangement came as easy to him as falling in love with Shiro had.But there’s a danger to falling in love and this time it might not be Keith who’s falling.





	To be loved.

Perhaps the first time Keith had fallen in love with Shiro wasn’t when he had met him. Even though the nervous flutters had been pierced with stomach-curling anxiety, it hadn’t been when Shiro genuinely smiled at him either. It had been before the first time they’d gone out on a trip together.  
  
No. It was the moment Shiro had taken Keith’s smaller hand in his own, warmth wrapped around his calluses and took him away from a harsh home life.  
  
It was a dumb cliché, one that Keith had never understood until he’d met Shiro. Perhaps he should have realised when his own life had followed its patterns: Parents had divorced, mum had disappeared without a trace, and dad had soon after come to die in a freak accident at work. (No one had bothered to tell Keith, so he had found out in the papers later. He’d never quite gotten over that.) Keith had been eight and taken away from a small home in Arizona and into the big city of Los Angeles.  
  
He hated it.  
  
Hated the loud honks of cars, the bustling of people, the jar in his side, and the screaming in his ear: both on and off the street. He was tossed from home to home until he ended up with a couple who put their money where their mouths were, and Keith’s skin saw the brightest sets of blue and yellow.  
  
Frankly, there was not much more life could throw at him.  
  
Instead, it gave him Shiro.  
  
With Shiro came a home of two loving parents and a dog that yipped across the backyard. He enjoyed tea on rainy days and acquired bruises in a different pattern from playing around the neighbourhood that he, for once, could justify.  
  
Shiro had always known, had always quietly prodded, and Keith had stubbornly maintained that he didn’t want to move halfway across the country yet again. There was nothing to worry about.  
  
_I’m fine_.  
  
Takashi Shirogane was four years older than the small nine-year-old boy that he had gotten to know. Shiro was also responsible, kind, and oddly mature for a preteen - though perhaps that came with the prosthetic that he had come to wear the month before his twelfth birthday.

A freak accident.

God’s apology came with a sick sense of humour.

(Keith had never bothered to ask, and Shiro had never cared to explain.)  
  
Years passed and Keith’s quiet had grown into boisterousness, manifesting in dares, petty thefts, and loud laughter that made him forget how loud the world seemed to him all around. Shiro was ever a calm presence at his back. He would disapprove, but he had watched Keith get hurt countlessly over the years and figured that if this was what Keith needed to feel like Keith again, he wasn’t going to step in.

Yet.  
  
Shiro stepped in when an angry thirteen-year-old, who had only ever wanted to belong, took on a dare to brave the sea in the middle of the night.  
  
He nearly drowned.

Shiro scolded him as he dragged him from the depths of inky black waters, one hand clutching his icy shirt and the other patting his back when they’d reached shore – and for the first time, Keith’s face cracked under the pressure.

It was one of the few times that he cried.

_  
"Do you have any idea how lost I’d feel without you?!”_

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_  
  
  
It became a mantra for weeks on end until Shiro finally let up and forgave him.

But Keith had never forgotten that. He never forgot that his kind and dependable Shiro had an anger buried deep inside, one which Keith swore never to bring out again.  
  
Shiro embodied _home_.  
  
So from that moment onwards, Keith tried to be as much of a home for Shiro as Shiro was for him. When Keith rolled into his teens, and he experienced the first dizzying stammer of his heart, he listened to Shiro shyly proclaim his crush on the neighbour’s girl. It had hurt only a little more than he thought it would as he smiled and offered the kind of professional advice that only a fourteen-year-old boy could give.

  
_“You have to treat her nicely.”  
_

_“Keith, I’m the epitome of nice.”  
_

_“You’re a jerk to me though.”  
_

_“When was I ever a jerk to you?!”_

_“Ha-ha, I’m joking.”_

  
Every girl Shiro liked became another smile straining to be natural, because as Keith grew up, so did his feelings. Shiro’s apparent fascination with the opposite sex did nothing to quell them and did everything to feed his fears. Homosexuality was terrifying; finding men attractive in every way that Shiro did not was worse, because that was the first sign of a difference between them. And Keith had always strived to be _just_ like Shiro.

Maybe they had all been right, maybe something _was_ wrong with him.

By then, it was years spent with a combination of painful longing, confusion, anger, and all the lovesickness combined. With that came the acceptance of his sexuality, a painful journey after which he finally felt brave enough to talk to Shiro, at a tender age of sixteen; but never brave enough to talk to him about his crush. Shiro offered him reassurances and the biggest hug that squeezed Keith’s heart as much as his body. But there had never once been a moment where Keith’s heart took priority over Shiro’s worries, and bit by bit, it crumbled beneath the weight.

Maybe that’s why it was such a shock when Shiro introduced Allura to him. Keith had gotten so used to the fact that Shiro wasn’t _his_ that he hadn’t considered the fact that Shiro might become someone else’s.

Allura was stunning: The type of woman who lives in films but remains a mere ghost to the outside world, a fleeting grasp of what perfection must look like on one’s arm. This to the unrealistic expectations of men everywhere.

Except for Shiro, of course. But Keith had always known Shiro to be exceptional.

He wanted to dislike her, he really did. But it was with a sweep of her fingers over his shoulders and a bright, “Keith, how do you like your coffee?” that he knew that with all the willpower in the world, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He offered her a weak smile in turn, ignoring the way his gut churned at how she made herself at home in _Shiro_ ’s kitchen.

Keith was _fucked.  
_

  
* * * *

  
It was two months after the meeting, and Keith was playing around with a _Heineken_ bottle after he had been chased out of the kitchen by Allura.

(“Mingle!” She’d said, pushing at the small of his back, “Have fun!”)  
  
Keith’s brand of fun currently consisted of trying to conjure up a pleasant enough buzz so that he could sit through the “event” known as Allura’s birthday. Keith couldn’t remember what Shiro had given her, just the heartfelt hug and Allura’s emotional outburst. All in the single beat it took Keith to turn away, which meant that the alcohol would have to be working.  
  
“Lance.” A voice came from beside him when Keith was busy staring down into the watered-down beer he was still working through. God, he was craving vodka. He only looked up when he got tapped on the shoulder and the name was repeated.

“Lance?” Keith asked, confused.

“God you’re slow.” The guy laughed. “I’m Lance; I’ve been trying to introduce myself to you for the past twenty minutes.”

“Keith.”

"Is that all you're going to say to me, my dude?" Lance winked. "I'll start then: I'm friends with Allura. I'm assuming you're the bud Shiro keeps talking about?"

There was a brief flutter inside Keith's chest, one that he smothered immediately as he had come to realise that hope was a futile effort.

"Yeah, we've been friends for years."

"Where'd you meet?"

Keith downed the rest of his beer in the time it took Lance to breathe. There was no denying Lance’s beauty: the narrow slope of his jaw and the way his eyes sparked a pretty blue over the high cheekbones and beardless chin that Keith suspected had barely seen the blades of a razor yet. Young, then. It wasn’t as if Shiro had been the end to his attraction towards men, perhaps especially because it had been such a fruitless endeavour.

"When we were kids," Keith sidestepped the initial question and broke eye contact, grabbing another bottle of beer lingering on the table. "Shiro and I met when we were younger."

Courtesy prompted him to ask further. He had to be polite after all. "So what about you?"

"You want to talk about me?" Lance smirked. "I'm flattered."

"Shut up and answer the question."

"So rude too."

Lance paused, fingers tapping on his skin. He smiled and Keith’s heart, which had been about to burst, seemed to flutter. _Must be the alcohol_.

“‘Lura and I were neighbours. I had the biggest crush on her when I was a kid, but she told me I was like a brother to her.” He snorted and looked at Keith with a knowing grin. “Must be like you and Shiro huh?”

Keith dropped his glass - thank god for soft carpet.

The grin had dropped from Lance’s face, but he didn’t mention the beer that had splattered across his shins, nor did he scowl when he crouched to pick up the discarded bottle that had rolled beneath the couch. He wordlessly placed it on the counter, muttering something quick about _getting a cloth to clean up_ before disappearing.  
  
Keith was still sitting, frozen, when Lance returned minutes later and pressed a wet cloth against the bottom of his jeans before soaking detergent into the bright blue carpet.

Nobody had noticed a thing.

“I’m sorry dude.”

Keith wanted to scowl, he really did, but he was angrier with himself for being so fucking _transparent_ that Lance’s kindness, a _stranger’s kindness,_ was more hurtful than his honesty.

“Don’t be.” His voice sounded strange to his own ears – like listening to the ocean breeze, being drowned out within the midst of it all.

"I am." Lance reached across the precious few inches separating them and took Keith's hand into his own. "I shouldn't have assumed. I'm sorry."

The kindness really did hurt worse.

"I'm grabbing another beer." Preferably the kind that tasted like _vodka_. "What about you?"

"Yeah." Lance smiled. "A beer'd be nice."

* * * * *

  
It was midnight when Keith finally realised what he was doing. His body was pressed against Lance’s, smack against it, and his arms were wrapped tightly around a narrow waist. However, it was eclipsed by broad shoulders attached to a slender neck that Keith was currently sucking a mark into.

"Keith," Lance hissed, fingers scrambling for purchase in the leather of his jacket yet finding none. " _Keith_ ."

"Hmm." Keith trailed a tongue up Lance’s neck and placed another kiss onto Lance's jawline, the shell of his ear, and the tip of his nose which elicited a nervous giggle. Keith had a knee propped up between jean-clad legs, ones that bore holes on the knees and ended tapered around the ankle. Keith, inebriated as he was, wanted more of him.

Perhaps this was a better state to be in. It had none of his usual sobriety, which had caused him to drift all the way from childhood to here, where men like Shiro could never be taken for granted and certainly never taken for oneself.

Keith preferred it like this. He finally sealed Lance's feeble encouragements with another kiss and was rewarded for his efforts as Lance bucked against his hips.

Although the ghost of Shiro breathing down his neck was not easy to forget as Keith worked his mouth against another; the noises Lance made and the hands that had worked the jacket off his shoulders certainly provided an excellent distraction.

Maybe it was not forgetting then, just a slow corrosion of time.

The next morning was more difficult. He woke up in a tangle of his own sheets, his phone a blurred stream of missed calls and hidden messages, and to the view of the back of a man he had slept with in a not-so-drunken stupor. Keith wasn't stupid; he had never been drunk enough to sleep with a man that he hadn’t wanted.

But Lance was more than that. Lance was Allura's best friend.

Lance was, in a way, a lot closer to him than any man Keith had picked up from a bar before.

And Keith was ready to explain, ready to apologise for the other night, quick to offer breakfast and a promise to never speak of this to either Shiro or Allura. All of that was washed out by the turn of Lance's body to his and a smile so bright it caused Keith to swallow any and all the words he had planned to say.

"I had a good time last night."

Keith was done for.

"Yeah. Me too."

There was nothing that could be done about it now.

It became a regular occurrence then, him pushing the door open before dragging Lance against the nearest wall and having faint kisses pressed into his neck. Lance always cursed under his breath, without fail, in spite of denying it fervently later.

"My mother would kill me, Keith."

"Your mother isn't here when I fuck you either."

"Point."  
  
Lance laughed, and Keith felt himself sink back into the comfort of Lance's age-old couch. Much like the couch, being with Lance came incredibly easy, so unlike what being around Shiro had been. Lance offered quick wit and pulled no punches; he never knew when to stop talking yet offered comfort even when Keith never asked for it. It was scary how in-tune Lance had gotten to be with Keith’s emotions, however little he mentioned them. Maybe it was a gift he’d always had, but Keith could come home to him and talk about Shiro and all Lance had to do was drape an arm around his shoulders and let Keith nod off in his embrace.

It hurt, still. For him to see Shiro and Allura together, arms linked and fingers entwined. Allura's bright smile as she finally found a man besides Coran in her life, the only person left after her father's untimely death. Keith couldn't begrudge Shiro's open happiness, yet in the evenings, he knocked on Lance's door time and time again ove. Lance never refused him.

"Why don't you ever tell me to fuck off?" Keith asked on a Thursday evening, about a month and a half after their rendezvous had started.

"Where's the fun in that?" Lance winked and dragged the bowl of crisps towards him. They were watching a horror film this time – it was that sort of night. "Unless you want to fuck outside, that is."

"Tempting offer." Keith dragged an arm over Lance's lap to grab at the crisp bowl himself, much to Lance’s disappointment. "But I was wondering whether your roommate was getting bothered by being told to leave."

"Who, Hunk?" Lance didn't attempt to lean against Keith. He never did. For that, Keith was grateful; despite having come to the arrangement of movies and weirdly comfortable talks, intimacy was one step too far. At least for now. "He's usually at Shay's place, or Pidge requires his hunky brain for a lot of experiments."

"Heh. Those two did hit it off well, didn't they?"

"Good thing Matt brought her along."

"Doubt bringing her along is the correct term for it, when she essentially snuck in and stole a beer, but sure."

Keith could feel the shiver run down Lance's spine the moment the current protagonist, the stereotypical blonde white girl, decided to go back to look for her friends.

"What’re you scared for?" Keith snorted and shoved at Lance. "She hasn't even been ripped open yet."

"I don't like the anticipation,” came Lance's answer as he managed to sink deeper within the couch cushions. "I hate the moment before the jump-scare."

"I thought the jump-scares would be the worst."

"No," Lance said softly. "...It's knowing it'll happen but not being sure when."

Keith turned towards him and pressed his mouth against Lance's the second the girl got ripped apart, smothering a startled yelp and feeling Lance punch him feebly on the shoulder.

Keith was a cheat and a liar.

He'd seen this film before.

  
* * * * *

The next time he met up with Shiro, Keith felt decidedly less anxious about seeing him yet still annoyed that all his time had been swallowed up by Allura. It was early December, and the sky had turned to a crystal frost after which the rest of the Earth naturally had to follow. Keith had just returned from Lance's apartment, shovelling through layers of early snow after suffering through Lance’s whining about _having his heater leave him._  
  
Perhaps he wasn't as annoyed as he had thought he would be when Shiro commented on the way his face lit up just thinking about it.

"Something on your mind?" Shiro asked as soon as Keith had unwrapped the scarf from around his neck. He was smiling.

"No," Keith replied, gratefully taking hold of the coffee Shiro had ordered ahead of time. It was common knowledge that Keith would always run approximately five minutes late.

"Someone, then?" Keith continued to sip. "Lance?" Keith choked on his drink.

"Why would I think about Lance?" He hacked between coughs.

Shiro’s welcoming smile dropped.  
  
"You don't have to hide anything from me Keith. I know you've been seeing him an awful lot; I'm happy for you."  
  
Keith took the excuse- felt the anxiety crawl up in his stomach and claw its way into his throat. He hated himself for lying, for forcing the smile as he told Shiro that _yes_ he was happy getting to know Lance. In truth, he didn’t know how he felt about Lance at all. He barely listened to Shiro talk about work, downed his coffee, and hurriedly ordered another. He did just about anything not to think. Because in spite of his assurances, Keith _still_ looked at the way Shiro’s lips moved as he laughed, noticed the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, and oh- how his voice turned so deep.

It was Shiro, Shiro, _Shiro._ Tall and muscular, arms that wrapped around him so tight at graduation, the unshaken faith in abilities that Keith had never even known he possessed.  
  
Suddenly Keith’s throat felt tight.

“I think I need to go.”

Lance had barely offered a distraction, yet somehow he was the only person to keep Keith from drowning.

But a drowning man would always attempt to pull another down with him.

“So soon?” Shiro said. The guilt prickling his chest only intensified when he simply felt _relief_ at Shiro’s confusion. _He doesn’t know. He’ll never know._

Keith turned his face away and scrambled for notes. “There’s some coursework I forgot to do.”

He was considering dropping out of school. Lance had cursed at him when he brought it up and Keith had snarled that it wasn’t any of his business.

He looked up into Shiro’s kind eyes with a start. _When did he stop telling Shiro? When had it become Lance?_

He still pondered on the question when he got back to the apartment. He didn’t return to Lance’s that afternoon.

  
* * * * *  
  
  
He didn’t make it to Lance’s for a couple of days. That is until a get-together at Shiro’s forced Keith to interact with the world for longer than the few hours he’d made himself go at the coffee place. When Lance located him, his smile was no longer as warm; it trembled at the corners and didn’t reach his eyes. Keith just waved awkwardly in response. There was beer there and Keith reached for it; as much as an easy solution to his problems as ever.

“Hey,” he said when he forced himself to walk over to Lance.

“Hey.” Keith wasn’t sure whether it was relief he could detect on Lance’s face. Keith offered him his beer and Lance took it gratefully, awfully reminiscent of the first time they’d met. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”  
  
“Yeah.” Keith knew he couldn’t pull the same excuse he did with Shiro, but there was no polite way to tell him the truth either. _I can’t stop thinking about Shiro. I can’t stop imagining touching him. There is no way to stop myself from feeling like I want to kiss him and I can’t help feeling guilty for doing this to him, for wanting this._ “Just didn’t feel too well these past days, that’s all.”

It was as close to the truth as he could manage.

Lance’s brow instantly creased in concern, a hand palming his shoulder. “You could’ve called me, man.”

“Ah – There was no need, really.”

Lance’s hand turned insistent, a tight squeeze against bone. “Hey, you can rely on me.”

Keith looked at his empty glass and then back into Lance’s face. He couldn’t find anything other than a worried set of eyes; the same eyes that had greeted him when he first entered the threshold of the apartment. He could hear Shiro at the back of the room, his voice deep, but at the moment all he could focus on was Lance.

“Don’t get sappy on me now, Rivera.” Keith snorted and shoved him, but somehow his chest felt lighter. “I’m still breathing after all.”

He didn’t expect the kiss pressed quickly against his lips. He wondered what had happened to discretion.

Lance had the nerve to look sheepish, and Keith felt at a loss. His first thought was whether Shiro saw, which was ridiculous because Shiro already _thought_ they were dating.

“You guys doing alright?” Speak of the devil. Shiro looked smart in casual wear, the white of the shirt matching bleached denim. Keith could only imagine what his ass looked like from the back.

“We’re great, thanks.” Lance grinned, but this grin too didn’t quite reach his eyes. At one point Lance had taken hold of his hand. Keith’s first thought was immediate.

_Don’t._

“I said as much to Keith last Saturday but I’m really happy for you guys.”

_Oh no._

Lance didn’t even look at Keith, but he didn’t need to for Keith to know how his smile must have tightened. He could tell by the slight tremble of Lance’s hand in his own. “Did you?”

“Keith didn’t tell you?” Shiro’s voice took on that disappointing edge, and Keith’s head snapped up.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have a chance to yet.”

“He was sick.” Lance’s voice was something else - a tight cord ready to snap. It was higher than usual.

Yet all Keith could worry about was Shiro.

He hated himself.

“Sick huh?” Shiro looked at him and all Keith could do was nod in response. He didn’t trust himself to speak just yet; he had always been a terrible liar. “I see. Hope you’re feeling better now.”

“I am,” Keith offered quickly; Lance’s grip was beginning to feel painful. The look on his face even more so. “I am feeling better. We’re just going to – sit down. I haven’t seen Lance in a couple of days.”

“Yeah, we have to _catch up_.” Keith felt rather than saw the viciousness in Lance’s gestures, the spit that aligned with every syllable, and - finally - the way he let go of Keith’s hand. Keith didn’t bother to take it again, somehow slighted by Shiro for making the situation so terribly _complicated_.

Lance’s stride was crisp and decisive until he found them a spot in the corner of the room, and Keith merely stumbled after him, being pulled into a seat worn with age as Lance descended onto a stiff wooden stool. It was so typical of him to offer Keith the better seat. The guilt hadn’t diminished at all.

“Were you really sick?” Lance whispered in the chaos around them: chaos around them: Pidge arguing with Hunk, Shay smiling nearby, Allura bustling around the kitchen, hell, Keith even saw Nyma wandering around. He chose to focus on Pidge and Hunk's debate. Even with how heated the argument was getting, Hunk's shoulders seemed to relax whenever Shay focused her ever persistent smile on him.

“I was.” Keith’s words felt fake to him even now. Lance didn’t seem impressed at all.

“I’m not even worth the truth am I?”  
  
“Lance – ”  
  
“No, don’t bother.” Lance’s grimace lingered, and there was an unnatural stiffness to his body. He was barely even touching Keith; he merely sat perched on his little stool, offering all the space to Keith. Just like he’d been providing him since the very beginning. “If you can’t even answer that, don’t bother.”  
  
“I’m sorry – I didn’t know how to answer him.” Keith jerked his hand awkwardly and cast an anxious glance cast into the direction of the kitchen but no sign of Shiro. Lance’s hurt look bypassed him entirely. “I wasn’t sure _what_ we were.”

“You’re such a fucking liar Keith.” Lance sunk in on himself, shoulders hunching but never looking away from him. “You simply didn’t want him to have the _wrong idea_ about you.”

He deserved that.

“ _Fuck_.” Lance kissed his teeth and ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck, can’t you even offer me an apology? Can’t you ever fucking – “ He gestured wildly. “Give me the damn courtesy of being kind?”

“I’m sorry.” He meant it but it wasn’t enough and Keith damn well _knew_ it wasn’t enough. Yet, he also felt angry. They hadn’t ever been anything, just a casual fling that had occurred on and off for the past couple of weeks, and Lance didn’t have any right to get so upset over a few days of radio silence. “I didn’t think we were that serious.”

“Oh that’s _real_ rich.” Lance’s eyes spat fire. “I was worried something’d happened when you ran out and I didn’t hear from you- when you _ignored my texts_ and now I have to hear that you’ve just been _lovesick_?!”

“Quiet it down _please_.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that I’m more than just a quick fuck?”

“ _Lance._ ”

“I’m a person too Keith! I thought we were friends - I was worried!”

At this point everyone was staring at them. Keith took a deep breath, trying to steel his nerves as a hush fell over them. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you. Can we please talk about this somewhere private?”

Lance seemed to come back to himself and nodded stiffly. In spite of that, the anger remained coiled tight in his shoulders, and he didn’t move an inch _._ Keith briefly met Allura’s eyes and although he had expected either anger or disappointment, he found none but a quiet sort of sadness. After tearing her gaze away from Keith, she walked over to the old radio in the corner. Keith had never figured out how she managed to make it work.

“Come on.” She turned the volume up. “It’s time for some music don’t you think?”

Keith felt grateful for her interference, although Lance still hadn’t said a word. _So much for talking things over._

When they all took to dancing moments later, both terrible and admirable, Keith still fruitlessly waited for Lance to move. He then felt a hand sneak around his waist and met Allura’s kind eyes.

“Keith,” she addressed as she led him across the cleared floor with ease. “Are you happy?”

He shrugged. He wanted to quit school because he didn’t belonged there, he had no family, and he was slowly losing Shiro to a woman who would always be better than him. “Sort of,” he said, finally. He took care not to step on Allura’s feet when he heard Shay’s laugh behind him; Hunk’s followed soon after.

“Happiness can be found in the oddest of places.” Allura’s hand was warm on his waist. Keith knew exactly why Shiro liked her so much; she had the determination to lead and the courage to follow through. But she was _kind_ and trying to help, and suddenly, Keith understood why Lance and her were such good friends. “Please don’t push it away when it finds you.”

Keith thought about her words all the way home, and when he finally entered the threshold of his home a text from Lance awaited him.  
  
‘I need a break.’

* * * * *

  
Lance’s dismissal wasn’t the worst; Keith had expected it after that abysmal party. Keith couldn’t blame him either, and it wasn’t because of his usual self-pitying belief that everyone would always end up leaving him. Granted, Keith was _terrified_ of people taking note of his true personality and deciding that he simply wasn’t worth it, but he had grown enough to realise when it had been his own fault. There was no Shiro to soothe petty childhood fears.  
  
No, the worst was when Shiro stood on his doorstep two days following the party after Keith had blown him off too.  
  
“We need to talk.”  
  
Keith opened his door with the reluctance of a petulant child waiting for a reprimand. And Keith so _hated_ being reprimanded.

Shiro had barely taken two steps before Shiro’s expressed his disappointment in him down the hallway. “You can’t treat people like that Keith.”

“Oh?” Keith’s lips drew back in a snarl. “I thought you had come here to _talk_ , not to shout about something you don’t know anything about.”

“Don’t act sassy with me,” Shiro’s nostrils flared and Keith instinctively took a step back. He hated Shiro angry, but he hated himself more for causing it. Fucking _Lance_. “We all heard him; you knew I’d come eventually.”  
  
Shiro didn’t even bother to shrug off his coat, as if he were planning to leave immediately after saying his piece, and there was nothing Keith hated more than Shiro taking on the role of disappointed father. Keith drew back, shoulders hunched, and teeth not quite bared.

“Do you?” Keith drawled. “I didn’t think I’d be sitting in my own apartment being treated like a child who stole some candy from the candy shop. And oh, he was _such_ a sweet piece of - ”

“I heard what he said Keith.” Shiro never wasted time with deflections. His voice grew quiet. “Lovesick?”

Keith could’ve come up with an excuse, could’ve tried to talk his way out of it like he always did when Shiro had come _so_ close to the truth, so close to knowing the depth of Keith’s deprivation but he was so _tired_ of it. _Fucking Lance._ “Don’t you feel stupid now.”

“What?” Shiro asked, breaching the careful steps Keith had taken to distance himself. “What do you mean?”

“What I _mean_ ,” Keith’s voice had taken on an edge of hysteria, “is that you pretty much did the same thing to me all those years, and no one ever fucking reprimanded _you_.”

When he finally looked at Shiro, really _looked_ at Shiro, he saw the colour drain from his face, saw how his footsteps had halted. Only then did Keith realise how badly he had fucked up. This time, it wasn’t on Lance; this one was solely on him.

“Me?” He croaked and Keith flinched. “You mean to say that I...?”

“FUCK!” Keith cursed. This wasn’t how he’d ever meant to tell Shiro - he thought that Shiro had known, that there was a part of Shiro that had always been aware of just how deep Keith’s affections had run. That Shiro had chosen to blissfully ignore them in favour of their friendship. But of course, Shiro had never known, he’d never known anything unless Keith told him.

He was _such_ a dick.

“Keith, please stay.” Shiro did know him well enough to notice how Keith was itching to bolt. “Let’s talk about this.”

Keith shook his head vehemently. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

He couldn’t breathe. Their friendship was over, and Keith didn’t know how to deal with it. So when Shiro reached out for him - no doubt to pull him into the living room for a talk ten years overdue - Keith ducked under his arms and ran.

“Keith!”

Like the child Shiro treated him as, Keith fled from his own apartment.

He ran on autopilot, not a thought in his mind as he raced down the streets. He was barely aware of where he was going until he arrived at the worn door of Lance’s place, watching the paint peel alongside his rapping knuckles as he knocked against the wood. He was out of breath and desperate and when Lance opened the door, his expression quickly turning into one of annoyance.

“Keith I _said -_ ”

“I told Shiro,” Keith confessed between huffs of air, the desperation in his voice seeping out in a high pitch. “I told him. He came to my door and I told him.”

“Okay.” Lance stepped aside, but Keith merely took a shaky step forward and clutched at Lance’s arms. “Come inside.”

“I’m sorry.”

Lance didn’t acknowledge the apology. “I’ll make some tea.”

Keith let go and followed Lance inside, grateful for the hospitality that he didn’t deserve. True to his word, Lance came back with two cups of tea when Keith had settled in on the couch. He quietly took a spot next to Keith and wrapped his hands around his own mug, staring at him. “So? What happened?”

“He…” Keith didn’t feel like admitting to Lance that Shiro had told him he was horrible, not right now. Not to the victim of his treatment. It would sound accusatory when he knew that this wasn’t Lance’s fault. “...He wanted to talk to me.”

“Hm.” Lance prodded. “And?”

“He said some things about my behaviour, I got upset, I thought he _knew_ and I blurted it out.”

“What’d he say?” Lance ignored the miserable tone and pressed on.

“That we needed to talk.” Keith could still picture the silent horror on Shiro’s face and he still wasn’t quite sure whether Shiro was angry with himself or with Keith. Perhaps both. “He knew I’d run.”

“Did you really?” Lance snorted. “You didn’t seem like a coward to me.”

Keith grimaced. “You don’t know me very well then.”

“That’s right,” Lance’s hands briefly clenched around his mug. “I don’t.”

A tense silence followed, and for the umpteenth time that evening, Keith wondered why he was so fucking bad at this. Looking away from Lance, he caught sight of a box of chocolates lying on the table. Anything to talk break the silence. “Chocolates huh?”

“Allura was here.” Lance said, by way of explanation. “You want any?”

A smile crept up on Keith’s face. “You actually know me better than most people Rivera.”  
  
“Do I?” Lance’s eyes widened. “Wouldn’t have guessed.”  
  
“Don’t blame yourself,” Keith felt his smile start to widen. “I’m not the easiest person to know.”  
  
“You can say that again.” Although his tone hadn’t improved by much, at the very least Lance had let go of the mug. When Keith reached for the box, Lance appeared to have the same idea. Their hands touched, and Keith jolted back with a quick apology.

“It’s fine.” Lance quickly grabbed the chocolates and placed it between them. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Guess I was hungrier than I thought,” Keith joked.

“Kogane you’re always hungry.” Lance gestured into the direction of the fridge. “You ate a week’s worth of food last time you were here.”

“I was here for a week!”

“I’m a poor student man! You ate _everything_.”

“I was willing to compensate, but you were too lazy to go grocery shopping with me.”

“Why should _I_ leave the comfort of my bed when _you’re_ the one depleting the stock in the first place?”

God it hadn’t even been two days and he already missed these interactions with Lance. He was so comfortable to be around, so easy to talk to - and Keith had taken it for granted.

They were sharing chocolates between them now, almost as if nothing had gone wrong between them. Keith was already feeling better, even chuckling when Lance dropped a chocolate on his shirt - one that would inevitably cause a stain.

Damn, Lance was cute. The freckles dusted along his nose, the way his lip quirked up on just one side when he laughed, the way he fiddled with his hands when he thought Keith wasn’t looking. Keith had known Lance was beautiful from the start, so how come he hadn’t noticed how _cute_ he was before?

Lance was talking about something, Keith had lost track of what. Mid-sentence Keith pressed close, one knee on the couch and hand pressed against Lance’s shoulder. Just two beats, one beat, and Keith finally pressed his lips against that soft mouth..

It took exactly one beat for Lance to shove him off.

“What the fuck are you doing?”  
  
Keith remembered the first time he’d kissed Lance: His stomach had dropped, a pleasant rollercoaster feeling caused by the drinks and Lance’s warmth, as he had clutched at heated skin. He felt his stomach drop now when he looked into Lance’s heated eyes, his flushed cheeks, but this time, none of the rest of him held any warmth.

When Keith didn’t immediately answer, Lance was quick to shove him off the couch. “What the _fuck_ are you doing?!” He repeated, louder this time.

“Kissing you,” Keith said dumbly, scrambling back when he realised his mistake.

“Get out!” Lance shouted as he jumped off the couch.

“Fuck - Lance can we talk?” Keith scrambled up, face aflame at having messed up so badly. He’d thought that they were fine, that Lance letting him in meant that he’d been forgiven. Trading jokes had been a standard of their friendship; they’d seemed _fine_ a moment ago.

“Really?” Lance’s voice was ice and it made Keith shiver. “Did you offer that to Shiro when he came to talk to you?”

“ _Lance._ ”

“You must think I’m stupid; that I’ll just believe everything you say.” His chest heaved as he advanced on Keith. Lance poked him right above his heart. “You think I don’t _know_ what Shiro came to talk to you about? Fuck, Keith, I could read it all over your face the moment you walked in.”

“What was I supposed to tell you?” He hated how his voice became so loud. “I didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault!”

“Of course I know it’s not my fault!” And that was the first lie Lance had let slip past. Keith had never caught him doing so before. “But because you’re so dense, let me tell you what _I_ think.”

Lance gave him one push towards the door again and Keith stumbled backwards.  
  
“ _I don’t like the anticipation.” Lance had said._

“I’m not your fucking rebound.”  
_  
"...It's knowing it'll happen, but not being sure when."_

Two beats later and the door slammed in Keith’s face.

* * * * *

  
He woke up to a rapid fire of knocks upon wood and when he finally dared to creak open the door, he was met with Allura’s unbridled fury.

“How could you be so _stupid_?!”

Much like how he’d always confided in Shiro, it turned out that Lance had confided in her about everything. Keith couldn’t even blame him.

“What has he ever done to you for you to treat him like this?” Allura raved as he let her inside, lest she disturbed the neighbours. God fuck, it was only 8am in the morning. How had Lance found the _time_?

“First, Shiro and I decided to give you time, and then _Lance_ and I decided to give you time, and yet you still managed to screw it up!”

“Allura,” Keith pressed a hand against his face. “Could you please not shout?”

“Bring me a damned coffee then!”

Keith didn’t even question it; he just hurried into the kitchen to prepare her one.

He had barely put the coffee in front of her before she gestured to a seat for him to take. Keith didn’t bother to tell her that this was his home.

“You’re going to tell me everything.” Her eyes blazed fire above her cup, Keith suppressed the shiver running down his spine.

He didn’t hesitate.

“I hurt Lance.”

“No - not there.” She shook her head and barely paused to sip her drink. “Talk to me about Shiro.”

Keith recoiled. “I don’t want to talk about Shiro.”

“If we’re going to fix this, we’re going to start at the beginning Keith.” Her voice left no room for argument, and Keith couldn’t help but feel the faint hope in his chest at _we’re going to fix this_. He didn’t deserve Allura.

“....I’m in love with Shiro.” Keith swallowed, expecting anger. Instead, she wore nothing but a blank expression on her face. “You’re not surprised?”

“Keith, darling, I’m not blind,” her voice kinder, “I’ve known for a long time.”

“And Shiro?” He could feel the sting of betrayal already.

“Shiro doesn’t know.” She paused. “Or, well, he didn’t until you told him.”

“Ah.”

She gestured for him to continue and so he did, sparing few details on his childhood and how he’d gotten to know Shiro as his saviour. He didn’t want her to think he was making up excuses and he certainly didn’t feel like divulging any more than the bare bones of his history. He continued his story through both teenhood and adulthood, how ashamed he’d been that he couldn’t stop himself from wanting Shiro, even as Shiro had introduced Allura.

“Why didn’t you tell him?” Allura stepped into the kitchen to make herself a second cup, pouring another -no doubt for Keith’s miserable form - before coming back. “He had a right to know didn’t he?”

“He’s not gay,” Keith admitted and Allura only rose an eyebrow.

“So therefore you decided to keep this big of a secret from him for over eight years?”

“It wasn’t fair to him. And then it wasn’t fair to _you_.”

“Keith,” she said as she curled into a chair next to him. “I would never feel threatened by you, and I’ve been around you both long enough to know nothing could ruin your friendship.”

She made her point, although it hurt his pride a little. Keith smiled wryly. “So then I found Lance.” He told her about their first kiss, their encounters. How being with Lance hadn’t even been about sex half of the time. He rambled on about the way Lance curled into him as he slept - how Keith hadn’t wanted to commit, hadn’t wanted intimacy and how Lance had always kept a careful distance.

How he’d fucked it all up.  
  
“Shiro told me he was going to talk to you,” she said, expression neutral. “I hadn’t expected him to figure it out.”

“He didn’t until I told him.” Keith supplied.

“Right.”

Keith groaned. But at this point, Shiro wasn’t even his biggest concern. That realisation shocked him. “I’ll talk to him later. I need to fix things with Lance first.”

“What did you do?” Allura’s voice wasn’t kinder per se, but some of the edge had been taken off.

“...He let me in after it happened.” Keith took a deep breath and clutched the mug between both hands. “We were fine, joking around like before, and I couldn’t help but notice how pretty he was…”

“ _Spare_ me.”

“And I kissed him.” It had only been a day, but Keith still couldn’t understand how he had misread the situation so badly. “He shoved me away and told me to get out.”

“You seem confused by that,” Allura pointed out dryly.

“Well...yes?” He fidgeted when she didn’t stop staring at him, and her gaze wasn’t the friendly kind either.

“You’re terrible at this.” She turned back to her coffee and didn’t look at Keith. “You’re not the only person who’s been hurt you know.”

“I never said - ”

“Let me finish.” Keith held his tongue. “Lance has always been the type to give away his heart freely. So when he noticed you were feeling down, he didn’t hesitate to make you feel better.”

“By kissing me?” Keith asked dryly.

“That was because he thought you were attractive.” Allura shot him a _look_ that made him feel embarrassed with no further words exchanged. “He liked you Keith, he _really_ did. But you ignored his feelings in favour of your own, and then you selfishly showed up on his doorstep when he had specifically asked you for time.”

He stayed silent.

“And in spite of that, he let you in, because that’s the type of person he is,” Allura continued, staring straight ahead. “And you kissed him without ever bothering to try to understand his feelings. You treated him like a cheap substitute after you were finally rejected by Shiro.”  
_  
Fuck_.

“... I _really_ fucked up.”

“Why did you kiss him anyway?” Much like Lance, Allura ignored his apology. But this one wasn’t meant for her anyway.

“...I think I just _noticed_ him for the first time.” Keith pondered the question, could visualise the moment clearly. Lance had been there for him when Keith didn’t have the right to barge down his door, Lance laughed at his jokes and shared his chocolate with him. And Lance had looked so, _so_ beautiful. “Don’t get me wrong I always thought he was beautiful, but there was something about that moment that made me want to kiss him.”

“Don’t treat him like bad poetry Keith,” Allura snapped. “Either you like him, or you like Shiro. You can’t do both.”

“I think…I think I stopped liking Shiro a while ago,” Keith murmured, and Allura scoffed. “No, I’m serious! Shiro was just such a constant...I never even considered the fact that I _could_ let go.”

“Well that’s poetic.” Another snort.

“Does that even make sense?”

“I don’t know what makes sense to you Keith, but if you like Lance, then you’d better grovel for his forgiveness. He takes a lot of bullshit but you really pushed the limits. He won’t take you back easily.”  
_  
Easily._

It could be fixed, then.

* * * * *

  
Keith resolved to give Lance three days. Three days which he would spend figuring out his own feelings.

He started by talking to Shiro on the first day. Although he had been tempted to put that conversation on hold, there was no way he could properly deal with any of his feelings at all if he didn’t deal with those towards Shiro first.

When he met Shiro, it was in the same coffeeshop he’d left him in all those days ago. Keith had thought he was past the stomach dropping nervousness when he saw Shiro, but there was no way that he could forget what had made him fall in love with him in the first place.

“Hey,” he said lamely as he held up a hand in greeting.

Shiro responded by immediately pulling him into a hug. This time, there was no anxiety accompanying his heated face. He was embarrassed, not flustered.

“I’m sorry.” Shiro’s embrace tightened around his body, and Keith finally gave up on escaping its confines.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Keith muttered, and Shiro finally let go. “I’m the one who should apologise for never talking about it.”

“I’m still sorry I didn’t notice,” Shiro sighed as he sat down and Keith took the spot opposite him.

“You’ve always been like that.” And, this time, when Keith laughed, it was genuine. “I guess that’s why I liked you.”

He could see Shiro like that now: human. No longer his childhood hero who had grown up to be strong and muscular and unyielding. Instead, there’s a worrywart of a man that he’d adored, the lines next to his eyes detailing all his sleepless nights, how he doesn’t have the endless patience that everyone always pegs him for. It was strange but good.

“Talk to me.”

It wasn’t a request.

Keith just talked. Much was a repetition of his conversation with Allura, and he appreciated that he could count on Shiro’s face to display his every emotion, a sign that Allura hadn’t told him. Of course she wouldn’t.

When all was said and done, Shiro didn’t offer apologies, didn’t regretfully inform Keith that he couldn’t return his feelings.

There was no sadness hiding in his eyes, just relief bearing a worn smile.

“I’m glad you told me.” There was none of the guilt or remorse Keith had expected but never wanted to hear. It just made Keith wonder what he had been so scared of all this time.

“I’m glad too.” And he meant that.

“Are things going to be different between us?”

Funny, that should’ve been Keith’s question.

He snorted. “Nah. Probably not.” Things would’ve been different without Lance. Thinking of him now hurt something awful; Keith had treated him terribly.

“What about Lance?”

“I want to date him.” He paused. “If he’ll have me after I apologise.”

“I heard he likes flowers.”

Keith faintly smiled. “I’m sure he does.”

“But he’d like it better if you were honest with him.” Shiro frowned, shifting awkwardly. “Are you over your feelings? For me?”

“Only you would ask that.” Keith spread his hands out on the table. “I mean, I’m going to be honest: it’s been so long that…well, there’ll always be _something_.”

He took a moment to think. “But you know, I think I’ll be fine. I like Lance, I want to be better for him; I want to get to know him better.” He sighed. “That is...if he takes me back. I treated him really poorly.”

“You did.” Shiro looked at him over his cup of coffee. “But you’ve fucked up before.”

“Gee, thanks.” It was a bit awkward to talk to Shiro like this, knowing that he _knew_ now. But saving his friendship was worth the embarrassment. As if he could ever abandon Shiro. And he certainly had no right to push away anyone else. “I’ll try my damnedest to fix it.”

Trying his damnedest meant that on the third day of the radio silence he’d allowed them both, Keith showed up on Lance’s doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and a dinner reservation for a few hours after. He knew that there was no chance that Lance would forgive him based on materialistic reasoning, but he also knew that sometimes someone needed to be _shown_ they were wanted rather than being told.

When Lance opened the door, Keith didn't blurt out apologies; he merely waited for the moment Lance would slam the door in his face.

He didn't. "Why are you here?" It was better than getting the door slammed in his face at least.

"I came to apologise," Keith said. He thrust the bouquet toward Lance. "I also came to give you these."

Lance, while not particularly impressed, seemed to at least put some effort into hiding a small grin. "I can't be bought, Kogane."

"I know." Keith kept a mindful distance. "And I’ll apologise if you're willing to listen to me. Otherwise I'll go."

Lance rose an eyebrow. "Promise?"

This wasn't going the way he had planned at all. "...Well..." An awkward shuffle. "...I'd rather not, but I'll respect your wishes."

"That's all I needed to hear." Lance's smile was weary, matching the dark circles beneath his eyes - making the blue stand out - and he stepped aside for Keith to come in. Not for the first time did Keith wonder how he didn't truly deserve the opportunity, but this time, he'd make it count.

He opted for sitting opposite Lance, his perch reminiscent of the one Lance had sat on at the party.

"I'm _really_ sorry," Keith started. "I was an asshole to you. I didn't think about anyone's feelings but my own, and I know I hurt you."

"Are you sorry because you hurt me?" Lance stared at him. "I mean, sure, that's great I guess...but are you actually sorry for what you _did_?"

" _Yes_ ," Keith emphasised, leaning in, his hands on his knees, brow set. "I shouldn't have treated you like that. As if you were second-best." Lance flinched. "You don’t deserve that, and I was a fucking dick."

"...Oh." Lance’s lip quivered.

"You don't need to forgive me, Lance. I was wrong to come to your doorstep when you asked for space, and I was was wrong to kiss you then; I was childish and blind and too caught up in my own head." He didn't want to pressure Lance to return his feelings, not now. It was more important to apologise for recent pain, for his own behaviour. Lance deserved more than to feel as if he was a substitute for Shiro. Again. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Lance murmured, hands clenching as tight as his voice. "I'm glad you realised."

Keith wanted to tell him that he didn't have to thank him, but Lance wasn't finished yet. "You were a dick to me, yeah. It's stupid because I should've seen it coming, but I just held out hope y'know?"

"... I guess."

"But you used me." Lance's hands unwound and Keith realised that it must've been hard for him too, to talk about this. "And it hurt. And I know you probably didn't do it intentionally...but I'm not sure I want to go through that again."

"Look, about Shiro..."

"I'm not talking about Shiro!" Lance snapped, and Keith shut up. "It's not just about love Keith; not everything is about relationships. I still want to be friends with you, but you have to start taking other people's feelings into consideration."

Keith nodded. "Yeah. I'll work on that."

"That's good enough for now." Lance sunk down into the well-worn couch as if he could meld with it. "You're not a bad person Keith, god knows you're not."

"... No," Keith murmured. "I'm not. But I make pretty stupid decisions."

"Took you long enough to figure that out, huh?" Lance smiled weakly. "Say I forgive you, what then?"

"I..." _Is it presumptuous? Is it terrible to try?_ "... I would like to date you. For real. Properly."

"Ah." Lance still didn't seem thrilled. "And what about Shiro?"

"I worked it out with him before I came here, actually," Keith promised. "You deserve that much."

" _I_ do?" Lance looked startled, if not downright confused.

"Yeah. I realised that I was chasing...kind of a ghost of my own feelings?" Keith rubbed his neck. "It's not that I didn't like him anymore just - I was too attached to my feelings for him. I'm not saying it'll go away in a flash; there are some traces left, but I just...I like _you_ Lance."

"You like me."

"Yeah."

"You don't just like me because you're trying to get over Shiro, right?" And in that moment Lance looked so _fragile_ , all curled legs and anxious brows, as he sat on his hands. "I'm just...I'm trying to be honest here."

"I don't mind." It would be best if they were honest now. "No. When I kissed you before, I...I really thought about how pretty you looked; how much I wanted to kiss you. It was a bad moment and I am really sorry but I've...I just want to try this again."

"This?"

"I want to date you properly, Lance." The moment Lance's legs started to unwind, - Keith seized the opportunity to reach forward and take his hands. "Allow me that chance."

Lance laughed nervously. "I've never seen you so serious, Keith."

"Shut up." There was no heat in it. "I made a dinner reservation for about two hours from now."

"You _didn't_."

"So what if I did?"

"That's so _cheesy_." And god had Keith missed Lance's laugh. It was so free, unrestricted and deep, pouring out into the rest of his face where it stretched in laughter lines and rounded cheeks. "How could I say _yes_ to that?"

"Because you'll get to dress up nicely." Keith threaded his fingers through Lance's, and god how had he ever denied himself this intimacy? It was so embarrassing but in a good way, the kind that warmed him up quickly. "Because you _love_ dressing up nicely."

"Hmmm." Lance continued to smile, didn't pull away either. "I do love looking pretty."

"But you're always pretty."

"You're such a loser." Lance pulled away but held firm to Keith, who was now hovering precariously above the small coffee table. "I can't believe you've won me over with such cheesy lines."

Keith grinned, and let go of his hand to finally take his place beside Lance. _Careful, careful._ Lance leaned against him, and Keith took that as his cue to plant a kiss against his soft cheek.

"I like you."

"... Fuck." Lance's laugh sounded a little wet. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that."

"Then get ready." Keith snorted and gently pushed against Lance’s side, unable to hide the grin spreading across his own face. "I want to show you off."

"You sure know how to make a man feel good about himself, Keith. I'll give you that."

"Had some practice from this guy. He was a hopeless flirt, taught me everything he knew."

"Oh? Gotta introduce me to the handsome bugger."

Keith grabbed a couch pillow and chucked it at Lance's head. He missed. "Get going!"

"Yeah sure, whatever - can't rush perfection!"

Keith watched Lance's retreating back - muttering something about “last minute plans” and “ _Kogane_ ” - and couldn't help but smile.  
_  
Happiness can be found in the oddest of places._

Keith teased Lance when he came out, showering him in compliments before they finally stepped outside the door.  
_  
Please don't push it away when it finds you_.

They'd be alright. They were things they needed to work through, necessary conversations to spread out over the days, secrets they would need to share. But there would be good things too: laughter shared over midnight texts, cuddles in the mornings that would make them both late.

But they had every right to be happy.  
_  
_ _Fin_.

**Author's Note:**

> This was pretty much the fic I had been working on all summer for the VLD Aphelion Zine! Now that preorders have closed, I decided that it was high time that I posted the fic. (right after season 4 hit too.) 
> 
> Honestly this fic wouldn't even be here if not for my two amazing betas CLDJendis66 and Rinthegreat. It would be a mess if it weren't for them and I am super grateful for their consistent editing and feedback.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> (Note: There's a dragon age (inquisition) reference in here, kudos to those of you who get it.)


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